Morose Musings

Awake for almost 40 hours, dead tired by a whirlwind visit to NYC which included about 4-5 hours of walking/standing and not too happy about many thing in life. In short, absolutely the worst time to post something online... and yet... and yet...

I remember making a post on my last year's birthday about no one coming to wish me. Was that a cry for attention? Didn't really do much good, if that was the hidden motivation behind it... Then again, why would one post about his mental state unless it is just an attention seeking device... In case that is the motivation behind this post, I know it is quite a stupid thing to do as there are much better/much more convenient/much less in-your-face ways of doing that.. and yet.. and yet...

One of the key statements on which most of my life has been based, is - "But why should I do it?". When everyone seemed to spend time in playing/having fun, I loved solving puzzles/reading encyclopedias.. because "because everyone else does is" was no reason in favor of doing anything.. In fact, and this is probably the unfortunate part, it seemed to always become a reason in itself arguing against that thing... When others say that looks/physique/hygiene are extremely important and I should take care of them more, then that itself becomes the reason not to do it... Because, after all, I know I am good... I know I am a nice person who has possibly never intentionally done harm to anyone in anyway.. why should then these minor things matter? Its stupid, I know... and yet, somewhere inside, it seems right... it seems the only thing to do...

25 years, and I have psychologically kept ahead of these things... Fortunately, I have always been able to find people around me, who tended to see the inherent goodness and at least pretended that it was worth bearing the other things that even according to them were probably shortcomings.. Now, however that luck seems to have run dry. I'm confused... I have no idea what to do.... For the first time the mind is screaming that maybe things have been horribly wrong all this while.... Maybe things that seemed to be more important aren't really that important... For the first time, I can't see any reason to feel good about myself... For the first time I can see that people really do believe that these shortcomings are more than enough to compensate for any good things that might be lurking inside me.. and for the first time these people have begun to matter a lot...

Result... the lowest self esteem I have ever had.. and a confused state of mind that can't seem to be able to shut itself down even after 40 hours of non-sleep....

So why am I writing all this? Maybe I'm just drunk on lack of sleep... or Maybe I really am realizing some things that I should've learnt long ago... in other words, maybe I'm finally doing the growing up that a friend of mine keeps saying I desperately need to do... or, hopefully, its nothing that profound and maybe I'm just a little lonely and need someone to put in a few good words about me in my ears to help the self esteem thing (an SOS has been sent to Raja, and he will probably show up for a day in Rochester to take care of the situation.. :) ).

Anyway, enough cribbing about personal life... I hope my future posts will be more about general interest...